Don't settle for "good enough"

We had a pretty good marriage. I mean, we’re celebrating our fortieth wedding anniversary in a few weeks, so that’s something. We’ve raised four children together. We’ve survived a financial collapse, a miscarriage, and an extended season of unemployment. We’ve worked through two different forms of addiction. So we’ve done all right, huh?
 
Sure, it wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns. We had bears we had learned not to poke. (Don’t ask the question if you’re not ready to hear the answer, yeah?) Ways of interacting we’d grown accustomed to, even if they weren’t altogether healthy. We could deal with that, right? On the balance, not that bad.
 
But with the kids all gone and facing the rest of our lives as “just the two of us”, was “pretty good” and “not that bad” going to be enough? We decided we wanted more. Cautiously optimistic, we signed up for a marriage class at church.
 
If you’ve never heard of RE|Engage, it’s a fourteen-lesson class for rejuvenating a marriage. Format consists of a large group introduction of each lesson by a couple who share their story, followed by a small group facilitated discussion of the lesson, with homework in between lessons. It’s all good, but the homework is the secret sauce: Husband and wife work through tough topics independently, then compare notes prior to attending the next session.
 
The scope and depth of topics covered provide a framework for hard conversations with your spouse. You know – the ones you’ve both avoided because they were too painful or too awkward or too hopeless. Topics like Communication, Forgiveness, Commitment, Expectations, Intimacy. Almost everyone in the class has one or two sessions that kick their butt. For me, it was the week we covered Brokenness.
 
That week, we began unpacking where we had been, how we had grown up, and how patterns of interaction we’d developed from an early age affected how we interpreted and responded to feedback from one another. As the class progressed, it became evident that our worst assumptions about intent often fueled our reactions to one another. Each of our own worst natural tendencies brought out the worst natural tendencies of the other, creating repeating cycles of dysfunction.
 
I learned that I had lived most of my life with a chip on my shoulder. I thought I was exercising leadership in my home by being decisive, setting a proper tone, and insisting on high standards. But the rigid and defensive way I implemented that actually created an environment where it was unsafe to ask questions or express alternative thoughts and opinions. My family had learned to work around me for the most part, sometimes seeing my purpose, but generally afraid to offer new ideas or seek clarity.
 
The realization and acceptance of this shook me. It wasn’t pleasant, but it was needed. The conversations that followed in the ensuing weeks brought healing to both my wife and myself. They’ve radically improved our marriage. We both discovered and dealt with other scars along the way, but that was the start. It was both harder and better than I would’ve ever expected it to be.
 
Don’t settle. Your wife is a gift and your marriage is the second most important relationship you’ll ever have. If making an investment to create the marriage your Maker intended for you seems worthwhile, RE|Engage is a great place to start and there are churches offering it all over the nation. To close, I invite you to read, then share with your wife these words from The Passion Translation of Solomon’s Song of Songs. Oh, and Happy Mother’s Day!