More Dad jokes

You saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.  –Deuteronomy 1:31b (NIV)
 
Happy Father’s Day! We did this last year and it was kinda fun. With all the craziness in the world, we can take ourselves pretty seriously. It’s healthy to take a few moments and laugh sometimes. Hope you enjoy these, and find a couple that make your friends and family roll their eyes! 

  • My friends laughed when I said I wanted to write jokes. But they're not laughing now.

  • What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.

  • I went to a wedding and I asked the bride & groom if I could say something. They said yes, go ahead. I stood up and said, "Plethora", then sat back down. "Thank you", said the bride. "That means a lot."

  • I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey. But I turned myself around.

  • Last night a storm blew away 25% of my roof. Oof!

  • I was recently fired from my taxi job. No matter what they may say, people don’t appreciate it when you go the extra mile.

  • Pretty excited about my new job at the chess piece factory. I’m on knights all next week.

  • What do you call a vampire with asthma? Vlad the Inhaler

  • How often do people fall into the Grand Canyon? Just once.

  • My kid asked if the Earth was flat. I told him no, but he shook his head. “Dad, the Earth is 71 percent water, and nearly all of it is uncarbonated.”

  • Never date a tennis player... Love means nothing to them.

  • A guy just tried to sell me a coffin. That’s the last thing I need.

  • Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys? Well yeah – I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

  • I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.

  • What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

  • I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down!

  • What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

  • I'm sorry and I apologize mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

  • What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.

  • What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.

  • If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

  • I'm worried for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

  • When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic… I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

  • What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.

 A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance….  –Proverbs 15:13a (NKJV)

Scott Thompson